7.6.10

7/6/10 @ 2:38pm
I’m struggling today. I don’t even know why. All I know is I feel like I’m about to relapse. I feel all alone! I feel like the world is passing me by at an unbelievable rate of speed. I can’t keep my head above water. I had all day long with David yesterday, but yet I still feel so disconnected to him. He doesn’t want to talk. And I feel like when I try to talk to him, my head gets bit off. I know he was raised in a very different household than I was. Where people didn’t talk, but I don’t want my home to be like that. I want to talk; I want him to understand me. I want him to realize I love him unconditionally, and no matter what he tells me that I will be there for him. I’m supposed to go with my dad to the lawyer’s office tomorrow, and I don’t want to go. I know that when I tell David, his top is going to blow. But if I don’t tell him, I feel like I’ll be dishonest to him. I don’t want to get involved with this lawyer & lawsuit because I honestly don’t want to deal with it. I have too much on my plate to deal with as it is. If the lawyer takes our case, I’ll have to find a place for mamaw, and that is not going to be an easy task. I will be the one to pack her up, carry her to her new place. Setup her new room and have to go every single night until she realizes where she is. But I can’t tell dad that.

I can’t even tell David, how ugly and unloved I feel in his presence. Everyone tells me that I’m looking so good, but the only person I want to hear that from is David. He always comments on my ugly parts, my zits, my sunburn, hairy legs. But then when I think I look good, he never says it. I wish I could tell him how I really feel, but I feel guilty for thinking that way. I feel like if I told him, he would get mad and leave. I don’t know that he would, but that’s how I feel. I grew up in a house where even though my mom was extremely overweight my dad complimented her at least once a day; I wish I could get that once a week maybe even once a month. It’s better than never. Yesterday at the zoo, I grabbed David’s hands several times, but he just existed in my hands, I held his, he just existed in mine. I know that doesn’t make sense but that’s what it was like. I seen all these other couples, some with kids some without. Yet the guys were pleased and proud to walk hand in hand with their significant other. David was ashamed to walk with me, or so I felt. I’m trying so hard to lose weight. I used to think that when I started losing weight he would want to be with me, love me, cuddle me, give me attention, but he doesn’t. If I didn’t insist on the touchy feely moments we have, we would never have any. I can’t even tell you when the last time he was come up to hug me because he wanted a hug, or a kiss; Because I don’t know that in the last five years if that has ever even happened. I hate not having a car, because when I have a car, I can listen to sports radio and laugh but when he has to drive me around, we sit in silence. Because anytime I try to talk, he’s tired or acts if I’m dumb.

Danae asks me every Friday night, do you need to leave and go spend time with David, and I always tell her no. My reasoning? Because if I leave, I won’t be talked to, unless I call someone on the phone, He sits on the couch or goes to the office, and I sit on the loveseat in the corner. The other day he sat where I normally sit, and he said you don’t need to sit here as much as you do. I said why not? He said your wearing it out. My first instinct was to pop off and say well if you paid me attention, I wouldn’t have to let the TV or my iphone pay me attention, but I just remained quite. I would love to get up and sit outside hand in hand with him, talking or I would love to go on walks in the evening. But he doesn’t want to, because he’s tired. So instead I walk in my back yard in circles. By myself. I’m tired of lying to myself and others that we have a great marriage. Because I wouldn’t call what we have a marriage, I would call it roommates with benefits once a month. Because we go to sleep in the same bed and once a month or so we’ll make love. We have no communication. I don’t know what goes on with our finances; I don’t know what goes on in his mind. I try telling him how I feel but he just disregards it as nothing. I realize there is a 13 year age difference between us two, but I don’t get how I can be so ready to make love at a drop of a hat, but he’s too tired. I understand he’s on medication, but I don’t get it. At all. Sigh, I can’t wait till my fifth step with Vicki, because I plan on talking about this, and I hope she can give me some ideas. Because I’m fresh out of them, I feel like throwing my hands in the air, and saying I give up.